To my darling little boy...

To my darling little boy,

Tomorrow we will go to an assessment to see if you are diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. I'm feeling a lot of things tonight, and when I feel, I need to write and get it off my chest.

I look at you, and I see such a beautiful boy.
Your blonde hair and blue eyes, your cheeky smile and your caring, loving, playful nature.

I think of when I held you for the first time, and I was blown away with the responsibility of being a mother, at the same time thrilled at the privilege of being your Mama.

To me, you were absolutely perfect.

Since being referred to the paediatrician after the health nurse saw signs of ASD, I've felt many emotions. Fear, sadness, guilt, concern, worry...

But I've never stopped thinking that you are perfect. Made by a perfect God with a perfect plan.
Unique, special and a sweetheart.

Tomorrow we might be told that you do have ASD. We might not.

You might have a lot more energy than others.
You might have trouble listening, understanding and complying.
You might be a little different in some ways.

But I love you, and I always will.
You'll always be my perfect, sweet little boy.
You will always be special.

Not because of a label, or because you are different.

But because you are mine, and you are perfectly, fearfully, wonderfully made by God.

Mama xxx

Really, Truly

At the beginning of this year, I decided that my word for the year would be 'Real'.

To me that meant that I would be truthful about how i felt, that I wouldn't hide the real me from those I love, and that I would be honest about my journey in living with anxiety.

I've realised so far that it is easy for me to pretend everything is okay in the moment, but that in the long run, I feel so much better if I am honest.

So, the truth is, as a mother of three, I have often felt like a complete and utter failure.
Being a mother brings out the 'control freak' in me. So when my children aren't behaving as I expect, I want to be able to control that, and I feel like it reflects on me, that I should be able to control their behaviour. This doesn't usually end well, as you can imagine!

The truth is, I'm still working out my faith, and I often doubt, but I know that God is real and at work in my life right now. I trust, I hold on, and I just keep on showing up.

The truth is, I have always felt, and still do feel, that I need to put on my "I'm fine" mask when I'm out in public. I feel like that's the answer people want to hear and that if I answer truthfully, they'll run a mile. So I probably seem either like someone who's just got it all together (HA!) or that I'm a private person and that I want to keep to myself.
(Being an introvert doesn't really help with this!)

The truth is, I have many fears and am prone to imagining the worst possible situations.

The truth is, I want to be healthier and fit, but I'm scared of failing again. Scared of trying in case I fail. I'm working on this...

So, you can see I haven't got it all together. Hopefully that's a relief, because you're the same... if not, maybe I've just made you feel better about yourself and you're giving yourself a pat on the back. There might be a blog more suited to you 'got it all together' types, but I haven't found one yet!!

So in being real, I wanted to write about what that has meant and will mean for me.
A place to share the joys, tears and sometimes tantrums of everyday life (not always mine,  the kids have them as well).

Please feel at home, grab your favourite drink (mine's a strong coffee - milk + 2 sugars), and be real!!